


Not Quite Unspoken

by delicate_mageflower



Series: It Means Tumult Universe [6]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Established Relationship, Kinloch Hold, M/M, Modern Thedas, Neurodivergent Character(s), PTSD, institutionalization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 10:29:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8052814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicate_mageflower/pseuds/delicate_mageflower
Summary: Five times Anders tried to tell Karl he loved him and the one time he has no idea he did.





	Not Quite Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> CW: institutionalisation, abuse, references to and vague depictions of various episodes, eating disorder mention, implied/referenced hypersexuality, medication without consent
> 
> Expanding upon the notes of Kanders angst from [chapter 55 of the main fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5657479/chapters/18421750).

_I love you._

The words danced on the tip of Anders’s tongue and when he opened his mouth to speak them, to finally tell him—it wasn’t quite right.

Karl was rocking back and forth on his bed across from Anders, and he wanted to say something, anything to offer support, comfort…all the love he had, that he knew he had, but it felt all wrong. What if it came across as pity? What if it came across as just something to say to try to help, its true substance lost to ill timing and poor context? Of course he knew Karl would never think that, but it gnawed at him regardless and he put the thought away. Surely there would be another time, a better time. He could tell him then.

He would tell him, he had to tell him. Later, but eventually. It would come, it had to come.

***

_I love you._

Karl could see it in his eyes, in the way he stared at him in bleary euphoria in the corner of a utility closet. They didn’t have time to linger, they needed to get the fuck out of there as discreetly as they could before anyone noticed they were missing, but even in the darkness of such a small space with no lighting, it was clear. That stare was not the typical haze of the afterglow. Karl knew that look too well to mistake it, had seen it in that room too many times to count, and that was not the way Anders looked at him that time.

He watched Anders watch him, the way neither of them broke eye contact even as they struggled with their limbs to collect themselves, struggled with their pants, struggled with their close quarters and with the rush they both still felt after even such a quick lay in the shadows.

Karl felt like his heart was beating faster at those eyes, those beautiful honey eyes that gave him hope like nothing else. The one ray of light in this wretched place, the man he loved.

The man he loved.

He knew it was mutual, he had no doubt in his mind, but Anders seemed to have as much of a block on saying the actual words as he did.

If they said it out loud, that made it real. If they said it out loud, it became that much harder to hide, that much more likely to lose. If they said it out loud, confirmed it, solidified it, that meant it was no longer a game, that meant it was a fucking timebomb.

All of that was true anyway and they both knew it, yet the fear remained too great, too real.

“Karl, I…”

It was there, it was right there, and despite everything he knew he’d say it back in an instant, and he watched Anders carefully, anticipatory, every bit as hopeful as he was fearful.

“Has anyone seen Thekla?”

The voice was muffled from the other side of the door, and he had no idea what he might have done or what in the Void they possibly wanted him for, but he at least made sure to cover his mouth when he whispered out a curse.

“Shh,” Anders quickly added just as quietly, and Karl’s heart dropped when he watched Anders’s eyes fall. “Okay, okay, I’ve got this. You stay back until…well…”

Anders pushed forward and Karl huddled himself deeper into the back corner, nervous to see Anders slowly crack open the door before he rushed out and closed it behind him, and then when he heard Anders start yelling in the distance.

It was a distraction, meant to give him time to slip away unnoticed. He knew Anders was likely to pay a heavy price for such an outburst, even if its true intentions remained secret, but it gave him the time he needed to get out without a single eye on him.

That was love, unequivocally. It may not have come in words, but it was clear as day.

***

_I love you._

The words almost slipped out as Anders started to calm, Karl wrapped wholly around him while he’d crashed out of nowhere. He’d spent a good couple of hours in an awful panic, hyperventilating until he couldn’t see straight and then crumbling entirely onto his bed, crying so hard he was screaming.

The one perk of the gross negligence of Kinloch Hold’s staff, however, the one upside to the fact that they had basically gone out of their way to blatantly ignore him all throughout his episode, was that deliberately not paying attention to him as they did made it easy for Karl to sneak over to his side of the room without risk of interruption from unwelcome eyes, easy to cradle him in his arms until he could breathe again, until he could find the ability to quiet his mind and then himself.

“It’s alright, darling, I’m here,” Karl whispered, rubbing Anders’s back in soft, sanative movements. “I’m here.”

Finally he was able to look up towards Karl, and he immediately noticed the way his pupils dilated when he made eye contact. That reaction wasn’t new, of course, the involuntary physical mark of the attraction they’d both felt from the beginning, but it grew warmer and warmer every time, increasing as the closeness between them did the same.

“Thank you,” Anders tried hoarsely, almost inaudibly, his voice wrecked from overuse. At least this time he had an excuse, an actual reason to hold back those words he could not seem to say, no matter how hard he tried.

Karl was close enough to catch what he did say, at least, and he muttered gentle notes of affection and support while he slowly loosened his grip, as they both realised someone might actually come to check in on them since Anders’s sobbing and shouting had ceased.

Karl kissed him softly, far too quickly, before he backed away and hopped over to his side, onto his bed, just in time for a nurse to peek his head in and mumble something under his breath about finally getting a break from Anders’s shit.

“Fuck you,” Anders barely caught Karl whispering once the other man was gone, waiting several seconds to make sure he was out of earshot, and Anders might have laughed if he had any sound left in him.

Maker, how much he cared for him. How evident it was they cared for each other just as intensely.

Exhausted, too thoroughly rundown to even bother questioning what time it was or if it would get him into any trouble, Anders slinked further along his bed until his head reached his pillow, pulling those terrible, thin Circle-issue blankets over his head to try to block out the light and maybe get a little bit of rest. His covers were a poor substitute for Karl’s arms, but he curled into them in any case, knowing he would have to make due.

Maker, how much he loved him. He loved him so fucking much that sometimes, for occasional fleeting moments of purely focused emotion, it was almost like he forgot how to hate himself.

One day he’d tell him. It came closer and closer by the second, so for as terrifying as he still found it, he firmly believed he’d manage it sooner or later. That he’d conjure the words and if nothing else, Karl would know. Even if he couldn’t bring himself to say it back, he would know. He had to know. As he shakily moved closer towards sleep, all Anders could think of was how badly he needed him to know.

***

_I love you._

Karl caught the whispers as the words were spoken, clearly in reference to him, to he and Anders both, but in a mocking voice obviously intended as nothing more than something simply to laugh about to pass the time, between Keili and Petra as they walked past them.

Petra shook her head, apparently unwilling to participate in the joke, perhaps even realising they were more than close enough that of course he could fucking hear them.

He couldn’t really be too upset with Keili, either, though. Kinloch had her so indoctrinated, so adamantly convinced that she was where she belonged and that they were right to treat their wards the way they did, and seeing her around just broke his heart more than anything. It was difficult to feel anything even resembling hostility towards her when she was trying so hard to get by with that burden, when Kinloch had her so tight in its hold—he almost said something to Anders at the thought of such an amusingly terrible pun, but it immediately slipped his mind when he saw Anders’s face.

“Shit, are we _that_ obvious?” Anders asked nervously. It wasn’t really a question, the answer was right before them, but it came out as such nonetheless.

“No one who matters seems to have caught on yet,” Karl shrugged. “So I think we’re still okay.”

It wasn’t quite a confirmation of the actual sentiment they’d overheard being made fun of, but Karl felt it was implied all the same, and that was enough for him.

Anders’s eyes glanced around anxiously still, his gaze heavy when it returned to Karl.

They awkwardly sat across from each other like that for a few minutes, stuck in the cafeteria and the bustle of people around them until they were dismissed.

Anders stopped eating the moment Keili had made her little comment, and Karl hated to see him react that way. It was no secret, at least not to him, that it was something Anders particularly struggled with, but if the staff couldn’t even notice that then…well, surely the surreptitious nature of their relationship, no matter how serious it became and no matter how blatant it was to their peers, would have to go over their heads, as well.

Naturally, the expression of “but you know it’s true” in regards to that shitty excuse for a tease danced around Karl’s head over and over again, and he could see the wheels turning in Anders’s mind, and he wondered if he was doing something similar.

“Fuck, I,” Anders started. He looked so tired, even more than usual, and Karl couldn’t quite place it. He couldn’t help but feel hopeful at Anders’s fragile tone, though, couldn’t help his mind racing that perhaps this would be it, despite how much he tried to deny himself how much he had grown to want it. “Fuck.”

He couldn’t blame him for not taking the bait that had been placed before them, however accidentally. It would be such an off moment, such an uncomfortable opportunity, even if it was true.

Karl had heard enough whispers by himself, though, to understand why Anders was so worried.

“Fucking _Anders_ turned me down,” he’d once heard in a whine from around the corner. “I didn’t think he turned down anyone.”

He couldn’t see who was speaking, neither did he turn to look, but there was a surprising well of pride in his chest when he heard the faceless person’s friend’s reply.

“He _didn’t,”_ they said, hushed but audible through their dramatic tone is sharing such scandalous gossip. “But that was before, you know…”

The second voice had trailed off into a more appropriate level of volume, but that was quickly broken by the first voice’s shocked exclamation.

“His roommate?!”

“Shh,” came from what sounded like at least two others.

“Well, that’s convenient,” the first voice had chuckled.

“You know they’re fucked, though,” a third voice had chimed in. “There’s no way it isn’t just a matter of time in _that_ situation. Especially when, I mean, have you _seen_ the way they look at each other? It’s like they’re fucking asking to get caught…”

He knew that should have stirred more of a panic in him, had known he definitely should not have walked away absolutely beaming at the thought that he and Anders made such desperate heart eyes at each other that most of Kinloch’s residents appeared to be in on it, yet…

He shook that memory away from his mind before he let that terribly inappropriate smile get the best of him again, while he looked affectionately towards Anders. He couldn’t wait until the two of them could get the fuck out of this miserable place, to make their plans and escape at last, once and for all, to be together, wherever and whatever that meant.

They could tell each other anything and everything then, when they wouldn’t have to worry about who might see or hear. When they could show each other openly how they felt, then it would be no problem to say the words.

***

_I love you._

There was no excuse this time, no fucking excuse at all, but Anders still couldn’t say it, not even when he feared Karl might have needed it most.

He’d been manic for days and then the tipping point came, the aftershocks of wearing himself out until he broke, until he fell to his knees beside his bed where the line in the carpet was visible from all his pacing, where he nearly collapsed into tears except that they couldn’t seem to come.

Anders watched in horror as Karl started pulling at his hair, screwing his eyes shut and cursing repeatedly under his breath.

“Fuck, fuck, Maker-damn, I can’t, I can’t do this, fuck, don’t make me, don’t make me do this, just fucking let me die already, please, fuck…”

Anders wasn’t sure if he even knew he was there, so lost inside his mind, trapped under the weight of his own self, and Anders knew the sight all too well, had experienced it from the other side all too often, which was one of many reasons why he felt his heart fucking shatter at the sight of Karl unravelling to that extent.

He longed to rush to him, to hold him, to whisper reassurances, anything to get through that he was there, there at all, there for him. He could hear shuffling outside their door, however, couldn’t dare to risk actually doing any of that, especially on the off chance someone nearby might actually do their fucking job if they heard Karl.

He tried from a distance, though, tried desperately to catch his attention without moving, as quietly as he was able.

“Hey…hey…Karl, can you hear me?”

No response, nothing but those harsh breaths unleashing the Void through those dissonant utterances that passed unchecked through his lips.

“Karl…Karl, please, I can’t…I can’t…fuck, I just want to help, how can I help?”

Anders’s own desperation surged forward and cracked in his voice. He could still hear people and he was too afraid to even peek out through the door to see who all was there, to see how careful he really needed to be, but if the wrong people caught him looking that would be suspicious enough on its own, so he couldn’t even try for that, either.

“Karl, sweetheart…”

He reached for some sort of endearment, something to try to help him out from where he was, anything he could do to find him through it. Such word choice was risky enough, but he was sure he was quiet enough to be safe.

It got Karl’s attention, at least.

He stared up at him, wide-eyed and desolate, open-mouthed with his chest heaving, but it gave pause to his own words.

“Karl…Karl, can you hear me?” Anders asked again, as good of an attempt as anything else, he thought, and he was relieved when Karl nodded back at him that time. “Oh, thank the Maker, Karl…”

The way he kept saying his name like a prayer, like the one solid thing that could give him ground, like the fucking light at the end of the tunnel, and then to watch him finally break down and cry into his hands, to tremble and curl into himself. Anders was glad to see it, though, in spite of himself, because he knew it was a better place than where he had just been.

He only had to guide him a bit further, then, to see him through this wave and get them both to the other side of it together.

“It’s alright,” he told him. “It’s okay, Karl, I’m here for you, you know I’m here for you. I’m always here for you, I…”

He tripped on his tongue, on overthinking, on absolutely fucking hating himself for what he knew he meant more than anything else, for what meant more to him than anything he could imagine, but he was as stuck on it as always, too scared, too lost in the overwhelming thought of what consequence might come of it.

He was just as afraid of the consequences if he didn’t, too, of what it could mean if—Maker forbid—the unthinkable could occur, one of them could snap beyond redemption and he’d never have told him, but…

This shouldn’t be so fucking hard, yet there they were.

“Someday,” Anders whispered in its place, one word to try to fill the space of three, and he knew Karl would know what that meant.

It was what they always told each other when they needed it, their discreet reminder, their secret promise to each other and themselves that someday, someday, someday they’d be free.

“Someday,” Anders said again, and he closed his eyes when he did. He couldn’t even bear to look at Karl just then, to look at him and know how he’d just failed him, how much longer he might keep on failing.

“Someday,” Karl managed to rasp back to him, and when he said it, it worked. When he said it, that space was filled. When he said it, its true meaning shined through. When he said it…

Of course it worked when Karl said it, though. Karl was everything. Karl was the sun and the moon and the stars and Anders was…

Anders didn’t know what he was. Except that he was Karl’s, no matter how much he didn’t deserve to be.

***

“I love you.”

Anders’s words were slurred, his mouth agape against his pillow, his eyes blinking rapidly. He was barely coherent, barely there at all, as Karl looked over his shoulder again and again to be safe while he smoothed a hand over Anders’s hair, knelt precariously beside his bed.

Anders had a breakdown of epic proportions earlier on, just as they were starting to try to herd everyone into their rooms for their regularly scheduled bed time. Karl suspected it had been a flashback to Maker only knows what terrible thing some guard or another had done to him, having seen Anders through such events too many times to count before, but he’d never seen one get as bad as it did on this occasion.

He’d lost himself to it entirely, submerged thoroughly in whatever memory it was that had consumed him so. He was screaming and crying and flailing. Karl had to work so hard not to laugh when Anders had tried to punch Greagoir.

There was nothing funny, however, just a few seconds later when Greagoir successfully punched Anders in response before he called in backup, and then the way they moved on Anders with fists and feet even after he stopped struggling, when they pinned him to the floor and held him there while they waited for the nurse who forcibly injected him with so much Haldol that at first when Karl ran to his side once they’d left him there, after all he’d just witnessed, he was only checking to make sure Anders was even still breathing.

And they wondered why these things even happened to begin with.

Anders’s eyes were glazed over looking back up at Karl, when he could even keep them open.

“I love you,” he said, and his words barely intelligible but Karl would have caught them from a mile away. “Karl, Karl, Karl, I…”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Karl replied hastily. “It’s okay, Anders. I’m here. It’ll be okay.”

“‘Cause you,” he drawled out. “You…”

He had no idea what he was saying, Karl knew, and he knew just as well that he was going to have absolutely no memory of this conversation.

“You…fucking love you…scared but…love…”

Knowing that only made the sincerity that much stronger, bite that much harder. He’d longed for Anders to say those words, prayed to make himself say them to him to no avail, but here they were in the worst form of vulnerability, and it was the only thing Anders could seem to say at all.

“Love…”

Anders tried to move a shaking hand to Karl’s cheek but it slipped before he could even make it there, fell limply to hang off the side of his bed.

“Anders?” Karl tried his name anxiously at the closing of his eyes, but the response came quickly much to his surprise, much to his profound relief.

“‘Kay…is okay…”

Karl kissed Anders’s forehead gently, making a point to check for eyes behind him again before he did, and then he slowly pulled back to let Anders rest. That might actually have been the worst idea after the beating he’d taken, but Karl knew it wasn’t like they were actually going to do anything about it even he had been injured, so all he could do for Anders was give him space to rest and recover as much as he could.

“Hey,” Anders whined at Karl when he moved away, and it made him feel so warm somehow, so wanted, even for as much as he vehemently fucking despised the circumstance at hand.

“I’m right over here, okay? I’m right here,” he offered in assurance as he sat down on his bed, watching Anders carefully, every bit as terrified as he was taken in that moment.

“Love…”

“Shh, Anders, it’s alright, it’s—”

“Shut the fuck up in there, Thekla,” someone yelled from outside their door. Of course he wasn’t even supposed to comfort Anders in a time like this, and it took everything in his power not to shout back his own obscenities.

That, however, could easily leave him in the same state as Anders, and that would be tantamount to leaving Anders alone in his, and that was simply not an option.

“Love you so much,” Anders slurred again through his drugged out haze, and Karl couldn’t seem to speak, at that point more afraid of drawing further attention from the guard than anything else.

Karl wasn’t sure how long he simply sat there and stared, how long his eyes lingered on Anders to carefully watch him drift, lost to his hyperfocus on the rise and fall of his chest, thankful he still saw it from where he was once Anders became otherwise completely still and entirely unresponsive.

“Oi!” Another shout from the hall that made Karl’s blood boil. “Lights out!”

“Void take you,” Karl muttered under his breath even as he moved to acquiesce to the command. “And I’ll fucking see you there, you son of a bitch.”

There was nothing from Anders aside from his audibly heavy breathing, a welcome break in the silence surrounding them, a welcome sound for Karl to fixate on, to keep close.

Anders wouldn’t remember any of this and Karl knew he wouldn’t even want to, wouldn’t want to know how those words had happened, wouldn’t want to hear that this was what led him to that moment. In his mind it would taint them, would bruise them much like the discoloration that had already begun to form along his cheekbone, and that was okay. Karl wouldn’t say a word. Not about this.

“I love you, too,” he whispered once the lights were out, once he was curled into bed and left alone with nothing but the sound of Anders’s breathing to guide him through the rest of the night.

And he did. Oh, how he did.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to [fereldandoglord](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fereldandoglord) for beta reading and for all of the wonderful help you give me all the time!
> 
> And this is, by the way, still [draco_illius_noctis](http://archiveofourown.org/users/draco_illius_noctis)'s fault.


End file.
